


maybe, just maybe

by azunshi



Series: asanoya week 2020 [2]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Canon Compliant, Confessions, Jealousy, M/M, Oblivious Azumane Asahi, Unrequited Crush, this fic is a bit dramatic but we love drama so
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-17
Updated: 2020-08-17
Packaged: 2021-03-06 07:14:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,624
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25949419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/azunshi/pseuds/azunshi
Summary: Asahi is allowed to see whoever he wants, Nishinoya tells himself as he takes deep breaths to slow down the furious beating in his chest.Asahi is allowed to see whoever he wants before he sees me.The faint ringing in his ears grow louder and more noticeable, despite the din of chattering students, the slap of shoe soles on the tiled floor and the locker doors slamming shut.But why did it have to beher?where Nishinoya Yuu deals very badly with jealousy.
Relationships: Azumane Asahi/Nishinoya Yuu
Series: asanoya week 2020 [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1882087
Comments: 14
Kudos: 50
Collections: Asanoya (main pairing), Asanoya Week 2020





	maybe, just maybe

**Author's Note:**

> for day 2 of [asanoya week 2020](https://twitter.com/asanoyaweek)  
> prompt: jealousy OR ~~fake relationship~~
> 
> my writing process for this fic can be summarized in [this tweet](https://twitter.com/azunshi/status/1294890195695722497). idk i was also supposed to make this short but .... my hands kept typing and now we have this monstrosity :') ~~and then i was super tired for the rest of the evening after i wrote this but i really hope you enjoy it ... as much as anyone can enjoy angst hahaha~~

Nishinoya told himself that whatever Asahi did he would 110% support him no matter what. He promised himself that as long as Asahi was happy, he would not stop Asahi from doing whatever he wanted to do. But when Asahi announced that he was dating one of the second-year girls, Nishinoya regretted making those promises.

He remembered that moment with unusually sharp clarity.

It was after practice on a Friday evening when everyone was in the clubroom, making the space feel crowded with all 12 members of the volleyball club crammed inside. Nishinoya had been talking to Asahi about that new video game he bought the other day when Suga emitted a high-pitched shriek. The room fell silent as heads turned towards the fair-haired boy. Beside him, Daichi’s face was a mask of utter shock while Asahi’s looked as red as a tomato’s.

Regaining his composure, he apologizes for the “ungodly sound” he made before smacking Asahi’s arm, causing the other boy to yelp. “Tell them!” he urged. Nishinoya thought he looked like he was going to physically vibrate from the excitement of whatever Asahi told him and Daichi.

Asahi turned to face everyone else. Wide brown eyes, the way he squared his shoulders and cleared his throat, the slow and shy smile he gave everyone and color flushing his cheeks — Nishinoya remembered it all.

“I’m seeing someone,” said Asahi, his voice bearing its usual soft spoken demeanor but there was definitely a hum of excitement in his undertone. 

Nishinoya’s world came to a jarring stop. The air in the room became too stuffy, despite the open window nearby letting in a cool evening breeze. The fluorescent lights suddenly felt like they were casting a harsh glare over the room. Even the gentle pitter-patter of the drizzling rain outside sounded magnified and deafening to Nishinoya’s ears.

A barrage of questions erupted from his fellow teammates. They wanted to know who she was, what year she was in, what she looked like, what her height was, but the only thing Nishinoya could think of was _How did she do it?_

Asahi looked overwhelmed by the supportive responses from his teammates, especially from Tanaka who bursted into tears and cried, “Good job, Asahi! I didn’t think you had it in you!”

“Her name is Tomoko,” said Asahi. 

Nishinoya’s blood ran cold at the mention of her name. His head felt light all of a sudden. Luckily he was leaning against the shelves at the time otherwise he’d have stumbled and drawn his teammates’ attention.

“She’s in the same class as Nishinoya, I believe,” Asahi added, glancing in Nishinoya’s general direction.

Nishinoya was certain the blood had drained from his face but when his teammates looked his way, he mustered the biggest, happiest smile he could, hoping his earlier expression had gone unnoticed. “Yeah, I know her! She’s pretty cool,” he said, but the effort of saying such a lie was like having a mouth full of broken glass. “Good on you, Asahi-san.”

Asahi smiled, full of warmth, but all Nishinoya felt was the bitter cold, tightening around his chest. “Thank you,” he said before the others began to ask questions again.

Nishinoya had done his best not to show how much the news shocked him that night, even going as far as excusing himself from the usual group activity of stopping by at Sakanoshita for snacks. “I’m kinda tired from today’s practice and I’ve got homework,” was the answer he gave when asked why.

It’s been a few days since then and Nishinoya should’ve accepted it and moved on from it. His pet cat that died when he was five? Moved on from that in a week. Losing his favorite toy at the park that time in kindergarten? Moved on the next day. His grandfather telling him he won’t be seeing his parents again because a lorry T-boned them at the intersection? Took him about a month or so to accept his parents were truly gone but he moved on. Asahi dating someone wasn’t as bad as those things that happened in his life so _surely_ he could move on sooner than he can admit ‘I have the fattest crush on Azumane Asahi.’

“Hey, you okay?” Ryuu’s concerned tone breaks into Nishinoya’s thoughts, yanking him back to the present. The world rushes back to him; it sounded like someone had turned the volume all the way up, the cacophonous mix of conversations, laughter and music filling his ears. Nishinoya blinks up at his friends seated around him, all of them regarding him with the same amount of concern.

It takes Nishinoya a second to regain his composure. “Yeah, I’m fine,” he says, hoping the nonchalance in his tone is convincing. Uncomfortable of being thrust into attention when he doesn’t want it, he picks at his lunch with his chopsticks and takes a bite of the chicken karaage. “Why are you asking that?” he asks

His friends exchange looks. Uh-oh, that’s not a good sign.

It’s Ennoshita who speaks up on their behalf: “We’re kinda worried since you’ve been spacing out a lot these past few days.” 

“Yeah, and like, you’re the kind of person who lives in the present, y’know?” Narita chimes in.

“I _am_ living in the present,” says Nishinoya as a small frown pinches his eyebrows together. 

Kinoshita clears his throat. “What he means is that you’re not usually this … —” He gestures vaguely at Nishinoya, which doesn’t really help to clarify things. “— contemplative.”

“Contemplative,” Nishinoya echoes after him. All four of them nod in unison. “I’m sorry what does that mean?” he asks.

“Thoughtful. Always in your head,” supplies Ennoshita.

“Ah.” Nishinoya considers what his friends are trying to say for a few seconds. “Nah, I’m good. Just been a little tired lately, no biggie,” he says with a shrug. His friends don’t look convinced but he meets their gazes with a bold one of his own. It does the trick of making them look away; he’s learned that if he looks at people staring at him a certain way, they’d back off.

The topic isn’t brought up again. Once they’ve all finished lunch, they all head downstairs from the rooftop courtyard to their respective classrooms. 

Nishinoya walks over to his desk at the back of the classroom, plopping down on his seat with a groan. Thank goodness his friends didn’t press him further on the matter earlier. He really needs to pick up his act, otherwise he’ll be facing more questions he doesn’t want to entertain. 

The rest of his classmates return to the classroom when the bell rings. Nishinoya is taking out his exercise book for the next class when he looks up at the classroom’s front door and spots them. The painful reminder that the person he’s had his eyes on belongs to another. The sight of Tomoko and Asahi together brings up a bitter taste at the back of his throat, his chest tightening at the way they smile at each other. 

Asahi never smiled at him like that. Asahi never once _looked_ at him that way.

Then, as if sensing him staring from across the room, Asahi glances up at Nishinoya. 

Nishinoya sucks in a startled breath, his muscles locking up, his pulse stopping for a moment.

The Asahi, sweet and oblivious Asahi, smiles at him. It isn’t the same fond and infatuated smile he gives Tomoko, it’s just a plain old friendly Asahi smile. He even gives a little wave.

Nishinoya’s hand moves in a robotic motion to wave but he doesn’t smile back; his expression is cold. Before he can see Asahi’s reaction, he turns his attention to flipping his exercise book open. If the intensity of his gaze could set anything on fire, his book would already have spontaneously combusted. 

Tomoko takes her seat, which unfortunately happens to be right in front of Nishinoya. He doesn’t know how long he’d be able to sit here before he snaps; he can’t even look at her without that tight clenching feeling around his throat and chest. There isn’t a set seating arrangement for his class but it’s not like anyone would be willing to trade seats at this point of the school term.

“Noya-kun.” Nishinoya looks up to see papers in his face and Tomoko regarding him with mild concern. Not once has he hated anyone in his life but he loathed her face, those wide brown eyes and that little pout on her pink lips, the face adored by Asahi. 

She blinks. “Noya-kun, are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” he answers brusquely and snatches the paper out her hand.

Tomoko flinches, frightened by Nishinoya’s unprovoked hostility, and turns around hastily.

Nishinoya draws a breath but it does little to temper the hot, burning feeling inside him.

* * *

Suga’s eyebrows are pinched tightly together, his lips folded into a thin line, as he stares off to somewhere in the room, a fingernail running idly over the bottle cap’s ridges. When Asahi asks him what’s wrong, Suga simply gives him a pointed look.

Hey, how should he know what’s going on if Suga doesn’t speak up? It’s not like he has telepathic abilities.

“Don’t you think Nishinoya’s been acting a little weird these days?” asks Suga, his tone resigned.

“Nishinoya?” repeats Asahi, turning to look at the mentioned boy. Nishinoya is sitting a few paces away from them, in a circle among the first years. He seems to be recounting an exciting tale, his voice babbling away miles per second and gesticulating expressively. Nothing seems wrong about him. He tries to recall if he’s ever witnessed any unusual behavior in Nishinoya but all he can think of is when Nishinoya didn’t want to eat Gari Gari Kun when the team stopped by at Sakanoshita the other day. But that couldn’t be ‘weird’, right? Nishinoya said he was feeling a bit ill that day. Everyone had days when they felt a bit ill.

What was Suga on about?

Suga, growing impatient by Asahi’s lack of response, lets out a disgusted sigh. Asahi glances at him for explanation but he simply tosses his empty bottle to a bin nearby and walks onto the court. Confused by his best friend’s action, he turns to Daichi, although the dark-haired boy has his eyes closed like he’s trying to catch a nap. 

“We made a bet,” explains Daichi as if he sensed Asahi’s gaze on him.

“What bet?”

Daichi opens his eyes, checking his vibrating sports band on his lap. “About how long it’d take for you to notice something’s off with Nishinoya,” he says as if that explains everything.

Exasperated, Asahi points out, “I’m not a mind reader, Daichi. And Nishinoya’s — why would you and Suga think I’m attuned to his feelings or something?” He shakes his head, getting up as Daichi reminds everyone their water break is over. “He’s just a friend.”

“Would you notice if I’m, or if Suga’s, acting weird?” asks Daichi. The question takes Asahi by surprise although he can’t understand how this is even related to the topic they’re talking about. One look at Asahi’s indignant frown and Daichi laughs without mirth. “Never mind, me and Suga are just being weird about it,” he says although that sounds pretty fishy, coming from someone who’s always honest and straightforward about things. 

Asahi gives him another pointed look, to which he laughs away. “Anyway, Suga’s just mad about losing,” says Daichi, giving Asahi’s arm a friendly slap. “Don’t worry too much about it.” Before Asahi can argue with him about it, he jogs off into position on the court.

Perplexed, Asahi takes his position on the other side of the court, casting both of his best friends suspicious looks that they ignore.

 _But what if they’re right?_ whispers a small voice in the back of his head. _What if there really is something off about Nishinoya?_ At the thought of him, Asahi’s gaze subconsciously slides over to the team’s libero, who’s playing for the team on the other side of the net. 

Asahi is familiar with that stance — legs apart knees bent and eyes trained on Yamaguchi behind Asahi, Nishinoya’s in his _zone_ now. His expression is that of razor sharp focus, nothing coming in his way between him and the ball. 

_Nothing seems unusual about him_ , Asahi tells himself, shaking his head slightly. _Focus on the game_.

The tension between both sides grows taut as the coach’s whistle pierces the air. As if from a distance, Asahi can clearly picture Yamaguchi taking a deep breath as he raises the ball. Everyone shifts ever so slightly in position, breaths held. 

_SMACK!_

The practice match begins. Both sides explode into action, doing their best to keep the ball in the air. Coach Ukai tells them to treat practice matches like the actual thing but Asahi can’t help his attention drifting away from the game to Nishinoya out of concern. He messes up a few shots and although the ball sails over the net, his teammates pick up on it. 

“Hey, you good, Asahi-san?” asks Yamaguchi, eyes wide with concern.

“I’m good. Just a little tired,” lies Asahi. No one calls him out on it, though his teammates do shoot him glances. Nishinoya doesn’t; in fact, he doesn’t look over or ask him at all. That’s when suspicion settles over him, as well as begrudging acceptance that his friends were right and guilt that he hadn’t noticed sooner filling his insides. 

After practice, Asahi decides to talk to Nishinoya. Since tonight is Steamed Bun night, the team stops by at Sakanoshita after practice. Asahi waits for the opportune moment to approach Nishinoya but right from the court to the clubroom to their way here, it hasn’t presented itself thanks to Nishinoya talking to the second-years the whole time.

Normally, Nishinoya is the one who approaches him for a conversation but as Asahi waits for him by the ice-cream freezer while the seconds tick away at his patience, he is forced to wholeheartedly accept that something is wrong. 

Not once did Nishinoya look his way. Not once did Nishinoya acknowledge he existed. He even employs that intense stare Nishinoya always uses on him to get his attention but it doesn’t work.

“Are you going to talk to him or what?” asks Suga, coming to join him by the ice-cream freezer, mouth full of steamed pork bun. Thankfully, he looks calmer than earlier, probably having blown out his steam from the practice match. He hands Asahi a bun—a vegetarian one—and leans against the wall behind him.

“I’m waiting for the right moment,” says Asahi, taking a bite of the bun. The savory-sweetness of the sauce and mock-pork meat spreads across his tongue as he chews. 

Suga sighs in resignation. “He isn’t going to give you the chance. You’re going to have to talk to him. Directly,” he adds as if Asahi doesn’t get what he’s trying to say.

“Why do you care so much about this anyway?” Asahi frowns over at him. “It’s not like Nishinoya’s your baby brother or anything —”

“Look, as a third-year and the vice-captain, I feel a heavy responsibility towards these kids,” explains Suga, turning to watch the rest of the team. “And you —” He jabs a finger at Asahi’s shoulder, “—are the person he really admires. Like _really_ admires,” he emphasizes, brown eyes serious. 

The furrow between Asahi’s eyebrows deepens in bemusement. “Ok, and?”

Suga rolls his eyes. “Never mind.” He shakes his head, the hopelessness in his tone setting off Asahi’s indignation. “I love you, Asahi, but sometimes you’re too dense to get it.” Before Asahi can say anything, Suga calls out, “Hey, Noya? Asahi here wants to talk to you!”

Nishinoya, stopping in the mid-sentence, turns his head their way, the gleam in his eyes from talking to his friends. A faint ripple of unease passes through Asahi. Daichi looks over as well, although he’s frowning in Suga’s direction.

With a meaningful pat on Asahi’s shoulder, Suga peels himself off the wall to join the rest of the team.

Asahi stands there by the ice-cream freezer, shoulders tense and heart racing as Nishinoya approaches. At this point, Asahi feels incredibly stupid for not noticing this — Nishinoya would always look thrilled about talking to him but now, there’s nothing in his features that could give Asahi a sign about his current mood. Nishinoya’s face is almost expressionless, his emotions carefully guarded, that he almost looks like a stranger to Asahi.

“What’s up?” Even his voice lacks its usual hum of enthusiasm. Nishinoya arches an eyebrow, crossing his arms.

Asahi opens his mouth but quickly realizes he doesn’t know what to say. He’d been so focused on finding the opportunity to talk to Nishinoya that he forgot to think about what to say. Milliseconds tick away and impatience grows on Nishinoya’s expression. “Um, how are you?” asks Asahi lamely.

NIshinoya stares at him what feels like centuries before saying, “I’m fine.” He continues to give Asahi that strange look. “What about you?” 

The question is so oddly stiff, so formal, that it takes Asahi a second too long to answer. “Good. A bit tired from the game earlier. Also this bun is good.” He’s aware that he’s rambling, something he does when he’s feeling awkward and talking to Nishinoya now is strangely uncomfortable. 

“Good to hear.” Nishinoya uncrosses his arms and frowns slightly. “That isn’t what you wanted to talk about, right?” he asks.

Asahi’s stomach does a slow flip. “Um, no,” he admits. He scratches the back of his neck, chewing the insides of his mouth. “I was just … wondering if you’re okay,” he says. He has to word his sentence carefully without giving himself away or making it seem suspicious. But his attempt is futile because Nishinoya’s eyebrows pinch closer together. 

“Well, you heard me just now: I’m fine,” he says and Asahi can’t help wincing at the curtness in his tone. Nishinoya notices Asahi’s reaction and a flicker of guilt passes over his face. He sighs “Please don’t beat around the bush, Asahi-san,” he says in a gentler tone. “It really isn’t your thing.”

Asahi’s face heats up. “Yeah,” he acknowledges, his gaze falling away from Nishinoya’s to his feet. “I’m … kinda worried about you. You’ve been acting a little weird lately.”

Nishinoya lets out a soft, mirthless laugh. “Everyone’s been telling me that,” he confesses.

A sudden rush of concern washes over Asahi. “Is everything okay?” he asks. “Are you having trouble with anything? If there’s anything I can do —” Before Asahi can finish the rest of his sentence, Nishinoya breaks into laughter, a genuine one that lifts Asahi’s racing heart but presses it down with guilt. 

“I swear I’m alright,” promises Nishinoya before that smile, that radiant smile whose warmth rivals the sun, falters. “I’ve just been dealing with some personal stuff,” he explains in what’s supposed to be a casual and airy tone. “It’ll blow over. Don’t worry too much about it.”

Asahi’s eyebrows lift on their own accord but he doesn’t say anything.

Nishinoya doesn’t notice the look on his face. Of course he doesn’t. He hasn’t looked at Asahi directly for the past minute they’ve been talking. “Thanks for your concern, though,” says Nishinoya, waving his hand. He takes a step, excusing himself. “I’ll see you tomorrow —“

Against better reasoning, Asahi reaches out. Somehow he misjudges Nishinoya’s pace and the length of his stride because his hand, instead of grabbing Nishinoya’s shoulder, ends up catching him by the crook of his elbow. Horrified, Asahi lets him go instantly the same time Nishinoya turns around with wide eyes.

“I’m sorry,” Asahi says quickly. His face heats up. “I —” He racks through his brain to find a good explanation for his behavior but the moment he opens his mouth, all he says is, “Do you want to hang out at mine some time?” 

He instantly regrets it.

For one, they don’t normally hang out at each other’s places. The only times they do is when Nishinoya needs help with particularly difficult homework, or a study buddy to remind him not to slack off. They also don’t normally ‘hang out’ as friends do. In fact, Asahi can’t remember if they’ve hung out together, one-on-one.

Nishinoya’s eyebrows arch towards his hairline as a faint flush creeps up his cheeks. “Your place?” he says, sounding surprised and unsure.

 _Well, no turning back now_ , Asahi thinks to himself and hopes for the best as he plays along. He nods, scratching the back of his neck. “We could watch a movie or something,” he suggests. “Or if that isn’t your thing maybe we could play video games although I’d have to ask my brother if he’s cool with lending us his Playstation, which I don’t think he’ll have any problems with since he’s all the way in Tokyo doing —”

“Asahi-san!” Nishinoya cuts into Asahi’s senseless and nervous ramble. He’s grinning ear-to-ear, genuinely amused—another stab of guilt lodges itself under Asahi’s chest again—as he nods. “Yeah, I’d love to. Um, we can sort out the time later right? I have to get back. Gramps will be worried.”

Asahi blinked. He almost forgot Nishinoya had curfew and that his grandfather would be anxious if he was out too late. Asahi nods, a small smile tugging the corners of his mouth upwards. “Ok. I’ll see you then.”

It’s almost like seeing the old Nishinoya, the Nishinoya he knew, as Nishinoya waves at him goodbye and excused himself from the rest of the team. Almost, Asahi thinks as he watches Nishinoya leave the store.

* * *

Nishinoya tries not to think too much about what to expect later at Asahi’s. He does his best to keep thoughts, both good and bad, out of his head as the hours tick by till the end of the last class for the day. He also does his best not to let his mood be ruined by Tomoko gushing audibly about Asahi to her friends in between classes.

When the last bell for the day rings, signalling the end of classes, Nishinoya has almost all his things packed up already. His classmates remark on that, noting how Nishinoya is usually one of the last people to leave on the days he doesn’t have volleyball after school but Nishinoya only smiles at them and rushes off. His haste is partly due to him hoping that by meeting Asahi before Tomoko does, he’d at least be able to spend more time with him but mostly because he’s excited about hanging out with Asahi after school. At Asahi’s place. Which they haven’t done before.

He quickly changes out of his school slippers to his shoes, almost forgetting to close his shoe locker in his excitement. He waits by the exit, craning his head and occasionally raising himself on his tiptoes, eyes squinted in attempts to spot Asahi’s face among the crowd. But seconds tick by and his impatience grows alongside his excitement. 

_What if Asahi forgot?_ No that can’t be possible, they texted this morning. Asahi asked if he was still good for today—the answer was _Yes_ , obviously, because how could Nishinoya not be good for it?

 _What if Asahi chickened out?_ No way. No way he would. It’s just a hangout, not a date.

 _OK, but what if_ —

Nishinoya’s heart almost bounces out of his chest when he spots Asahi making his way down the corridor to the shoe locker area. He breaks into a huge smile as his feet begin to take steps of their own accord towards Asahi. He opens his mouth to call his senpai when Asahi’s name dies in his throat.

In his excitement, he hadn’t noticed Asahi was talking to someone, a girl none other than Tomoko.

Nishinoya quickly throws himself aside before either of them sees him, face burning and his stomach churning. Frustration tightens around his throat as he presses his back against the side of one of the lockers. He was so sure he’d have beaten Tomoko to Asahi but he forgot to account for the possibility that Asahi might’ve taken a bit of time to see her before meeting up with Nishinoya.

 _Fuck_ , Nishinoya thinks as he squeezes his eyes shut and tries to calm himself down. _Asahi is allowed to see whoever he wants_ , he tells himself as he takes deep breaths to slow down the furious beating in his chest. _Asahi is allowed to see whoever he wants before he sees me_. The faint ringing in his ears grows louder and more noticeable, despite the din of chattering students, the slap of shoe soles on the tiled floor and the locker doors slamming shut. 

_But why did it have to be_ her _?_

Nishinoya opens his eyes slowly, exhaling a long breath as he carefully schools his expression into blankness. He can’t let his dislike towards Tomoko ruin his day, especially not when he’ll be spending it with Asahi. He needs to be smart about this; Asahi reads him just as well as he does Asahi. If he let any signs of his bad mood leak through the cracks, Asahi would know. And then he’d have difficult questions to answer.

“Nishinoya?”

At the sound of his name, Nishinoya jumps. He looks up, half-expecting half-fearing it’s Asahi but it turns out to be Suga, giving him a very concerned look. Uh-oh.

Nishinoya breaks into a huge grin, hoping it’d pass off as delight to see his senpai. “Suga-senpai, hey! Didn’t think I’d see you here,” he says with a laugh, which strains a little at the end.

Suga arches an eyebrow, the wariness in his eyes chipping away at Nishinoya’s facade. “This is the shoe locker area,” he states slowly. Nishinoya smiles but a bead of sweat breaks out over his forehead. Still staring at Nishinoya, Suga clears his throat. “Are you waiting for Asahi?”

Nishinoya laughs again but it dies prematurely in his throat; he can’t lie his way out of this one, though there’s no need to. The fake smile melts away from his features. “Yeah,” he answers albeit in a small voice. “I thought if I left the class a bit early, I’d be able to see him before Tomoko sees him,” he admits with a sigh. 

Suga’s eyes flit away from him to some point to Nishinoya’s left before returning to Nishinoya. His expression softens. “Hey, don’t beat yourself up over it,” he says gently. “It’s okay to feel jealous of her.”

“Jealous,” Nishinoya repeats before snorting. “I’m not. Jealous of Tomoko, I mean,” he says but even he can’t believe his own lie. He shakes his head as if it’ll rid his head of the notion that he was bitter about Tomoko being the person of Asahi’s affection. “I just think … —”

“You don’t have to explain to me,” Suga interrupts him though not unkindly. He reaches out to pat Nishinoya’s shoulder. “But please don’t keep Asahi waiting. He’s starting to look anxious there by the exit.”

Embarrassed, Nishinoya bids his senpai goodbye before rushing over to meet Asahi. True to Suga’s words, Asahi does look pretty anxious, looking side to side in attempts to find Nishinoya before realizing Nishinoya is already in front of him. “Oh!” he exclaims in surprise before laughing; the sound fills Nishinoya with a bittersweet warmth. “Hi, Nishinoya. I thought you left without me,” he admits sheepishly.

“I would never!” Nishinoya protests, elbowing Asahi half-heartedly. _But I kinda hope she does_ , a sour voice whispers in the back of his head. “Anyway, let’s go.”

Despite doing his best to keep up a facade of a jovial mood, Nishinoya finds it hard to stay engaged with the conversation with Asahi. Thank goodness Asahi is patient with him and his “Sorry, what was that?” otherwise he’s certain he’d have ruined their afternoon.

“Oh, if it’s ok, can we stop by at the convenience store? I have to get us some snacks for later,” says Asahi.

“No, that’s fine —” Before Nishinoya can finish his sentence, Asahi is already walking towards one they’re passing by. After a pause, Nishinoya follows him inside. It’s a quaint little convenience store with concrete floors and narrow aisles lined by tall shelves. Nishinoya waits by the ice-cream freezers while Asahi disappears somewhere at the back of the store in search of the snacks.

A cat, presumably belonging to the store owner, approaches him with loud demanding meows. He smiles and bends down to give little scratch. In no time, he has the cat butting its head against his hands and his knees when Asahi reappears, arms laden with a bunch of snacks. Nishinoya offers to pay for half the amount, to which Asahi objects at first before his weak will is dissolved by a long silent stare from Nishinoya.

“I didn’t know you liked cats,” says Asahi as they walk down the street to his house.

Nishinoya shrugs. “They’re cute and soft if you give them a chance,” he says. “Besides, what’s not to like about them?”

Asahi laughs. “You’re right.” He glances at Nishinoya. “To be honest, I thought you were a dog person.”

“Hah, what gave you that idea?”

Asahi smiles at him. “It’s just what I thought,” he says mysteriously.

Asahi’s house is quiet and empty when they arrive, as usual. Asahi’s parents work till late at night and Asahi’s brothers have all gone off to college. Asahi flips the switch by the wall and a warm yellow light brightens up the dark corridor. Pictures of Asahi and his family through the years hang along the walls; Nishinoya’s favorite is the one where preschooler Asahi in a sailor boy outfit for his end-of-year school performance with his family, chubby-cheeked and with wide brown eyes.

“Make yourself at home,” says Asahi as he heads to the kitchen to fix them some snacks.

Nishinoya puts his bag down in the living room, lips pursed. He still isn’t sure what they’ll do today. Asahi mentioned video games or a movie but he didn’t confirm which they’ll be doing, or whether they’d be doing anything at all. The options that come to mind don’t help, being waved off as bad ideas. After some pacing around, Nishinoya joins Asahi in the kitchen.

“Oh, just in time,” says Asahi, looking up from the boiling kettle. “I was going to ask which flavor you wanted.” He points at the cup ramen sitting at the counter.

“I’ll go with seafood,” says Nishinoya. He helps peel the covers halfway while Asahi pours hot water into them. 

Though Nishinoya is used to having periods of comfortable silence when he’s around Asahi, he can’t help the nervousness skittering inside him.

“Hey Asahi?” 

“Hm?” Asahi hands him a pair of chopsticks.

“What are we going to do today?” asks Nishinoya as they take a seat next to each other at the counter. 

Asahi takes a moment too long to answer that question. “Um, I have no idea.” He gives a small laugh, scratching the back of his neck. “I’m not … I’m not used to having anyone over at my place,” he explains.

“You’ve had me over for study sessions.”

“I mean,” Asahi begins, his cheeks flushing. “Like just to hang out.”

“Really?” Nishinoya asks with a frown. “I have to admit I’m not really buying that, Asahi-san.”

Asahi raises his eyebrows. He has a bit of curry soup on the corner of his mouth. “It’s true,” he insists though sheepishly. “Is that weird? I’ve never brought girls home either.”

Nishinoya slurps up his noodles to stop himself from frowning too much at that. “Not even Tomoko?” He doesn’t know why he bothers asking that anyway; even though it would be gratifying to know that he has one-upped Tomoko in that, it’s not like it’d make Asahi interested in him or anything. The sour knot in his chest tightens. 

“Even if I did bring her home, it’s not like she’d be able to meet my parents since they come home so late. Maybe on the weekends,” says Asahi. “Although it’d be inappropriate for, um, a guy and a girl to be alone together,” he adds with a faint blush. “But both of us are okay.”

Though Asahi is somewhat right about that, Nishinoya can’t help finding the statement rubbing him the wrong way. Between his newfound dislike towards Tomoko and his bewilderment that Asahi would choose her over him, Nishinoya finds himself attacking at the noodles with renewed ferocity. Of course, there aren’t enough noodles in the cup to eat like that, so he ends up draining the soup as well, ignoring the sting on his tongue from the hot soup.

Asahi gives a start at the suddenness of this, staring at Nishinoya with some confusion as Nishinoya gets up to throw the cup away. “Nishinoya?” he says, trailing off with uncertainty. “Are you … okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.” Nishinoya is grateful that the sink is facing the window so Asahi can’t see his face and notice how he’s struggling to maintain his facade. “I was just hungry,” he says over the running water as he washes the chopsticks.

“Nishinoya.” Asahi’s voice is much closer now, behind him, when a hand comes to rest on his shoulder. Nishinoya almost jumps when their eyes meet. When Asahi’s eyebrows pinch together, that’s when Nishinoya takes a step back, away from Asahi.

“W-what?” he demands, heart racing. He tries to think of all the possible responses to any of Asahi’s next questions but all he can think of is _He knows, he knows, he knows_.

Asahi drops his chopsticks in the sink but turns off the faucet. He faces Nishinoya, a look of concern crossing his features. “Did I say something wrong?” he asks.

The easiest thing to do now is to lie, of course, and Nishinoya will take a moment to excuse himself and regain his composure. It’s no biggie; it’s not like he hasn’t done this before. Putting a front for someone and insisting he’s okay before distancing himself. But looking at Asahi now, staring back at him with those worried brown eyes, he remembers why he lost his cool when they argued in front of the vice-principal’s office. Because with Asahi, he can’t lie when it involves something as big as his own emotions, which he has been trying to ignore in hopes it’ll somehow go away if he didn’t give them much thought.

They hadn’t, of course, and now Nishinoya would know the consequences of his own actions, at his denial of these feelings.

“I didn’t like it when you said it’s not appropriate for you and Tomoko to be alone together but not for the two of us,” he says, with a faint trembling undercurrent. “Because makes you think that it’d be okay for me to be alone with you?”

“I don’t —” Asahi frowns. “I don’t understand,” he says.

Despite himself, Nishinoya can’t help laughing but it’s a harsh and bitter sound. His fists are curled at his sides, nails digging into his palms; the sting does little to distract him from the sharp pang in his chest though. “Of course you wouldn’t,” he says.

This time, Asahi’s frown turns into that of indignation. “Hey now —”

“Because I never told you,” Nishinoya continues. Asahi stops, mouth open but at least he no longer looks offended. “And that’s _my_ fault now and I know it’s not right for me to feel so mad about this whole thing about you and Tomoko dating but I am and I hate it because if only I’d have grown the balls to tell you sooner I wouldn’t be in this situation, taking out my feelings on you —” He can’t stop himself, the words are coming out in an uncontrollable rush and the backs of his eyes are hurting with tears threatening to spill. He hates this. He hates how vulnerable he feels, how raw, and how embarrassing it must be for Asahi to watch this usually confident and bold friend of his be reduced into a mess.

But halfway through his rant, Asahi comes up to him and places his hands on either side of Nishinoya’s face. The gesture catches Nishinoya off-guard, causing him to stop in mid-sentence as he stares at Asahi’s face, only inches away from his own. He can see his own tiny, almost frightened, reflection in Asahi’s pupils. Asahi’s palms feel callused but warm against his cheeks and temple; he hadn’t realized how big they were, the base of Asahi’s palms to the edges of his fingers spanning the length of his head.

“Slow down, breathe,” says Asahi gently.

Nishinoya nods as much as he can in between Asahi’s hands and breathes deeply. “I’m sorry,” he croaks out, feeling his hot tears slide down his face. “I didn’t mean to … explode like that. I’m working on it.”

Asahi releases a small but understanding laugh. “That’s okay.” He doesn’t take his hands off just yet, but smiles at Nishinoya. It dawns on Nishinoya that he’s lowered himself so he’s nearly eye level with him. “You’re doing your best.”

“I’m not,” Nishinoya wants to say but he remains silent, his eyes greedily taking all the minute details of Asahi’s features. He may not ever get a chance like this to see Asahi this close, to be able to make out the little individual flecks of lighter brown in Asahi’s dark brown eyes, to realize that Asahi has a little scar by his left eyebrow and to notice how soft and inviting Asahi’s lips look. Nishinoya swallows thickly, wrenching his gaze back to Asahi’s eyes.

“What did you want to tell me?” asks Asahi.

Nishinoya’s heart does a slow, lurching flip in his chest. The blood drains away from his face. “H-huh?” Asahi repeats his question and now Nishinoya’s face is burning. “N-nothing,” he lies. But Asahi continues to stare at him, and his resolve breaks. “I like you, Asahi-san,” he says, barely above a whisper. “I _really_ like you, a whole lot.”

Asahi’s features soften, the corners of his mouth curling upwards. But it’s not a smile; smiles are supposed to be happy-looking and be able to fill you to the brim and over with warmth. The one that Asahi gives him only causes Nishinoya’s stomach to sink the same way Titanic did: slow and agonizing. “I’m sorry, Nishinoya,” says Asahi, the kindness in his voice hurting Nishinoya in a way he never imagined. “I’m so sorry but I can’t fall in love with you.”

Nishinoya nods. He doesn’t trust himself to say anything, not when he’s fighting so hard to keep everything together. Asahi lets him go, slowly, like he’s afraid Nishinoya would run away immediately but he stays rooted to the spot. “I’m sorry,” he says again. “For ruining this afternoon.”

Asahi shakes his head. “You’ve done nothing wrong,” he tells Nishinoya. “Don’t be so hard on yourself.” He chews the insides of his mouth, watching as Nishinoya furiously wipes his face with the back of his hand. “We can still be friends, if that’s what you want.”

Nishinoya laughs without mirth. “But what about you? You don’t need to be so considerate of my feelings.”

Asahi nods. “That’s true,” he acknowledges, and for a moment, Nishinoya worries that he will lose a friend and a person he loves today, all at once, when Asahi looks at him again. “But I want to stay friends with you because you’re a good person.”

Nishinoya blinks. “Oh.” He fidgets. “Then, if it’s okay, I want to stay friends with you too,” he mumbles, face hot.

Asahi smiles. “I’d love that.”

* * *

Later after Nishinoya goes home and Asahi prepares dinner for his family, he can’t help thinking about his friend. He should’ve noticed the signs sooner and maybe … just maybe ...

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much for reading! please do check out the other amazing fics by my fellow writers in the [asanoya week 2020 collection](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/AsanoyaWeek2020)!
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/azunshi) | [tumblr](https://avatarclub.tumblr.com)


End file.
